Mother’s Day is just around the corner and the strange calm that comes over me as I wait, tick tock for things to pass. Life has a way of putting objects in your path. Not necessarily obstacles but rather change of course. You eventually get to where you need to go, I learned this from being aware of what happens in my dreams. You just have to slow down the dream and think carefully of all the things in your dream and be aware how you feel. This works in waking life as well. Sometimes I forget to do that. Breathe. Look around carefully and be aware of things occurring.
I am at this pivotal stage of my life. The work I accidently walked into 9 years ago as a consultant changed course on me once again. I find myself without a job again. Revisiting unemployment once again. I tell myself I have things cooking on the back burner and things will work out. I always have things cooking on the back burner. It keeps my mind busy. But now, I need a different game plan. I need to rethink what path I walk on. How do I let go of habits that are spurned by panic and anxiety? How do I not jump on the first contract job that comes my way?
As a mother, I do what needs to be done to get the job done. Take care of the home, take care of the child, take care of business. I find myself quick to cut out emotions and just get the job done. I don’t have time to cry and feel sorry for myself. No one is going to take care of me except me. The fear of ending up homeless and not able to take care of my child is the one driving force that keeps me working.
Except somewhere along the life path, I have reminders to check in and take care of myself. My body falls apart, I am now dealing living with Celiac disease. My body is attacking from the inside and raging at all the built up anger and sorrow. I deal with a laundry list of allergies. Why yes, I tell people, I am allergic to life. This is the universe giving me a wake up call.
I need to rethink all of this. Something is not working. Need to rethink and reverse engineer what works and what doesn’t work.
I am back on the yoga band wagon again. Familiar words from yoga teacher putting me back in my place. Breathe. Let Go. Breathe. Clear Your Mind. Open Your Heart.
My heart opens up and a rush of emotions gush from my eyes mixing in with body sweat. I am letting go. My arms are at my side and I am exhausted. Tired. I can’t continue at this pace. Rest. Check my heart beat. Check my breathing. I am here. It’s time to take a look at myself and transform. Acceptance and letting go.