Facing the demons

There are nights when sleep is not my friend.  My mind races even if my body is tired and craving sleep.  There is something weighing on my mind and my mind will not let go.  Those are the nights that I am up.  It’s a little past midnight and I am waiting for sleep.  I am waiting for sleep the same way a parent waits for their teenager to come home.  Except mine is not going to be coming home.

These nights, she is already making plans on moving out.  Moving towards severing that umbilico cord called childhood.  She faces different challenges as she makes towards early adulthood.  There is a part of me wondering where the last 6 years went.  Right before she turned 12.  It was idealistic.  She was at the brink before she hormones and puberty hit and then she was gone.  Transformed before my eyes.

I thank the Universe for allowing her to be in my life all those 12 years.  The long nights staying up with her as she lay in my arms.  The long nights where I wondered how I would face raising her by myself.  Who is going to want to be with a single mom?

Life changed me since I became a parent.  It made me a lean, mean fighting machine.  Capable of taking on any challenges.  I had to do this not for myself but for my daughter.  She would be the one to rely on me.  She would be the one to look to me.  I was determined not to end up on the streets and homeless.  That’s what my ex husband whispered in my ear as he watched me leave for the last time.  You will end up homeless and begging to take me back, he said.  That was a lifetime ago and I am sitting here remembering all of those words and determined to never be dependent on anyone.

I had friends and family help me.  Without them, I wouldn’t be sitting here typing 16 years later.  My daughter is now 17 and less than 9 months until she is legally an adult. 9 months is the time I carried in in my womb and now she is wanting to taste life on her own.

i tell her that my house is always open for her to return.  The doors never shut.  She is welcome to come home anytime.  I also told her that when she does leave, I will not be financially supporting her.  Health care and college is covered.  Everything else is on her to cover.

She looks at me with a slight hesitation but also determination to show me she can do this.  I know she can.  She has come so far.  The rest is up to her.

Recovery is also up to her.  This eating disorder that had once taken us hostage is slowly simmering under the surface now.  It is up to her to battle it.  We can only provide the support.  The team of doctors and therapists and famiy are there to support her as I am here to support her.  The rest is up to her.

We will always be here for her when she falls and pick her up again and dust her off again and set her back on the path.  The path is hers.

My path now takes on a different course.  Discovery of new passions and rediscovery of the things that bring me joy and enlightenment.  That is my new path.  Putting the energy back into myself so I can carry on.

That is what I do.  That is what I’ve always done.

The mantra that keeps me going.  Om mani padme hum.  Om mani padme hum.  Om mani padme hum.

I stare deep at the computer screen and channel my thoughts, my hopes, my fears through this blog and release it into the world.  This is my writing meditation.  This is how I breathe healing through myself and out into the Universe.  Back out to where it came from.  To join the universal collective.  Somehow, deep within myself I knew we were all connected.  One collective consciousness.  One thought.  One breath.  Love is all you need.

Nameste.vajra

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