It’s more than facing ghosts,
waking up to find their wispy trails lingering around borders,
my dreams haunting me,
it’s the same loop
the interstate highway criss crossing the lake,
words from ghosts follow me across the dream realm,
They keep me bound to this cycle,
I am trying to find a different route,
a different pattern to remake,
It’s more than making peace with the enemy,
understanding where they stand is not necessarily about you,
rather it is driven by fear, longing and a desire to call something theirs.
Is it foolish of me to observe from an arms length, fascinated by their lifestyle,
so foreign and unfamiliar,
like the first time I tasted peanut butter,
sweet and lingering,
teeth and tongue in a battle to free themselves from this grip,
the same grip that once held me,
either safe from myself or from what I truly am.
I am letting go,
of past influence,
of old reminders,
of my calling for sad songs and loud rock and roll,
to remind myself that love and hope are not the same as betrayal and bitterness,
and that the sins of the parents does not repeat through the next generation,
I’m telling myself that change starts with taking the first step,
courage to step into the storm,
and face it head on,
when you close your eyes and the roar of the waves comes crashing
down between your ears,
do you see me?
I am closing my eyes,
watching the old familiar patterns remake themselves into something more
code so brilliant that I am waking up crying instead,
patterns so simple yet weaved intricately with tears, longing and a sense of familiar.
I am practicing,
slowing down my heart till I hear nothing but echo
dark and light merge into one,
between consciousness and sleep,
that is where you will find me,
This is who I am becoming.
There is no fear, abandonment into the unknown,
quiet knowledge that insanity is just a step away,
yet something stops me.
just the simple knowledge that life, the universe and everything contained is held in a perfect pattern,
repeating and remaking,
mantra of the mind,
heart and soul.