There is a part of you that always remains in parent mode. After spending 20 something years putting aside your own personal agenda and needs, you are propelled into taking care of another person mode. Their needs and wants comes first. In some way, their needs and wants makes you want to better yourself.
Parenting is a inflicted life path that changes you. Whether you want it or not. It can break you and it can change you for the better.
My daughter, now out of the house since 18 and doing her own thing is a reminder that I too, have moved on. Doesn’t mean I don’t dream about the past and old, unresolved issues. Funny how the subconcious does that to you. Propels you into the next steps of growth. No matter how painful or awkward it may be.
This morning, my subconscious spoke to me through my dreams. Once again, I am visiting a Tibetan Buddhist medication center. There are classes going on. Classes on learning massage, dance, cooking and meditation. I sign up for learning massage and cooking (two things in my real life that I love doing). When classes are done, we are piling out of the meditation center . The sky is pregnant with rain clouds and I’m trying to hurry back home so I don’t get wet. I now find myself walking down a street where I used to live in Shoreline, WA. I walk past a street corner with giant stones outlining a house. The house looks familar. It’s near the elementary school where my daughter attended.
The stones glow as I walk near them. My chest starts to feel immediate pressure on them as if I am being crushed by the stones. I tell my walking companion (I believe this is a Tibetan Lama) that my chest hurts. He says this is to be expected.
I tell him, my heart hurts, please make it stop. He tells me that in order to grow to the next phase of my life, I need to let go of the stones. Let go of my burdens. I wake up sobbing because I know that I need to let go of my past hurts. Let go of my past guilt of not being good enough as a parent. Not being good enough as a mother.
My child is a young adult. She may deal with anxiety and depression but they are not mine to take on. I’ve given her what she needed to take on the next steps of her young adult life. I can’t continue to keep carrying on her burdens. I need to trust the universe that it will all work out.