Second Chances

I need to remember that I got a second chance. The SCAD heart attack I had in January was a wake up call for me and I got a do over. This time, player number 2 may not get so lucky so I’m going to have to think this one through. Looking back, I can see all the warning signs. The continous drive in my life thinking that I could do it all with what I have, as long as I work hard and play hard. Ignoring the physical fatigue and emotional fatigue.

The body wears out. The heart is weary and parts tear. I get it now. This was my chance to evaluate my life and see what needs to be streamline and trimmed and what things need to be discarded.

I don’t need additional stress and taking on other people’s stress is exhausting. Wanting to be “available” for my grown adult child is exhausting and really not healthy for me or my child.

I am grateful for who she has become and the next adventure in her life. Without me hovering over her. This will be healthy for her and for me. My role as mom will always be there but I need to stop thinking that she won’t thrive without me. She will thrive without me. I’m so proud of what she has accomplished. And she did it without me. That is the most important thing I need to remember.

I need to stop taking on additional stress from my work. Work is work. And I love doing what I do for work. Work will still be there. Shutting down at 4 pm is what I need to do instead of carrying that stress during the evening and weekend hours. Just like my child, I need to distance myself from work. This will be a work in progress. *sly grin*

I guess this one will be a hard one to wean off of. This one is deep rooted in my own emotional feelings of guilt and anxiety of failing. Failing my family and those who I support and failing myself. I aim to please because no one is going to support me if I fail approach. This one is deep rooted from my days as a freshly seperated and soon to be divorced single mom. Hearing my soon to be ex husband matter of factly tell me that I will be destitute without him and I will be living in the streets without his support. No one would hire a single mom. I will be dependent on his financial support.

Those words still haunt me now. They are the stuff my nightmares are made of. This is why I work so much. This is why I am afraid of not working. My little anxiety driven brain goes into hyperdrive when I think of being broke, destitute, unable to sustain any income. I live in survival mode.

I need to stop this manic thread of thought and look around me. Stop the voice inside my head. And truly listen. What do I hear around me.

My breathing. What do I see around me? A truly beautiful life I have surrounded myself with. A wonderful relationship with a emotionally engaged person who loves and encourages me to just be me. Friends and family who love me and encourage me to just be me and I couldn’t ask for anything more than that.

Just breathe I tell myself. I don’t need to try to do everything all at once at full speed all the time.

I need to remember that this is my second chance and life is beautiful and I will get through the slowness of life right now.

However, that takes patience. Something that I need to learn to master.

Two week, I started to ramp down on my anti-depression medication and my high blood pressure medication. I told the doctor that I was feeling apathetic towards everything and I don’t want to feel that way and that I was feeling super dizzy and confused all the time. My resting blood pressure was 90/85. A tad too low.

She suggested that I could start ramping down on both medications and see how I felt.

Now begining the 2nd week, my heart is throbbing and feeling very stabby. Like serial killer stabby. Uphill, sitting, just minding my own business – stabby, stabby. Did I mention the feeling of being of breath when walking, accompanied by wide swings of dizziness? Yeah, this is definitely not asthma.

I send a quick note to my doctor and her team responds back the next morning. One of the nurses tell me that I am to ramp back up on my medication and if the stabbing pain in my chest and breathing issue comes back, that I am to go to the emergency room. Do not pass go.

I am disappointed that I have to start the medication over again but I get it. This is the long game. There is no short cut or cheating with this.

In the meantime, I am looking forward to many things that don’t involve riding my bike and working like a salary man.

I will learn to take time to stop and admire the birds in our front yard. How wonderfully sinister my carnivorous plants are thriving and capturing flies and yellow jackets (I may have helped in the capture of these flies and yellow jackets 🙂 ).

Also, I am getting married. Remember that wonderful, emotionally engaged man I was referringto earlier. Yes, we are getting married next month. I waited a lifetime for someone like him to walk besides with in this journey called life.

We are from two different worlds yet we have many common things together we share. Bike riding is only one of those things. Everything seems just so right when we are together.

Meanwhile my heart still goes ping and pang. I take a full dose of my evening medication and I start over again. Two steps forward, one step back.

Thanks all for listening to me.

Author: Jung Un Choi

Many years ago I started on this journey to discover myself and to move through the universe through stories and poetry. Along the way, I rediscovered myself through cycling and the art of meditation. This and so much more is where you will find me. Somewhere between dreaming and waking. Between watching and participating.

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